Contentment

I have lots to update from the 10 days that have somehow just vanished (poof!) since my last post. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster of feelings around here lately - lots of ups and downs, where on some days it feels like a victory to have merely gotten through 24 hours with everyone alive, and where on some days I marvel at how much we managed to accomplish. I guess it's to be expected during this time. 

But I felt compelled to blog tonight because amidst all the periods of sleep deprived covid-19 fueled anxiety and household management stress that has largely cluttered my consciousness recently, this evening I experienced a moment that I wanted to save for my mental archives.

The boys had both gotten vaccinations today and were being very sleepy and docile, like little baby lambs.  Both babies smelled so good, so clean and fresh but also so quintessentially baby - slightly powdery; a little bit lotion, a little bit fresh laundry, a little bit milk, a little bit spit-up.

I couldn't resist stroking their heads and murmuring to them as their eyelids grew heavy.  I kissed their porcelain smooth cheeks, so plump and cool, and watched as they stopped feeding, their rosebud lips puckering and then slackening.  With Al nestled in my arms, one of his little hands clutched around my finger; with Teo's little chest so close to my chest, as his heart beat layered on top of my heart beat - I couldn't help but compare and marvel at when Lola was this size.  It's so bittersweet to know that Al and Teo will not fit like this under my chin or in the circle of my arms for much longer. 

Holding their slumbering, soft little forms to my chest, while knowing Lola was being tucked in next door, my heart felt so full that I wondered it didn't ache.  I felt a sense of contentment so deep and satisfying it was as if my bones had melted and become seeped in liquid.

I read recently that much of what causes us stress or unhappiness can be thrown into two buckets: things that happened in the past that we keep dwelling on despite not being able to change them - and things that we anticipate and fret over despite not knowing what will actually happen.  But when we let ourselves stop those ruminations and bask in the moment, therein lies the potential to feel truly content.

Tonight, I was able to just sit in those beautiful, quiet few moments and enjoy.  It felt precious.

Ups and Downs

It's been a week of ups and downs, with some days shining brighter and easier than others.  They all fly by though - inevitably I find myself at 5 PM wondering where the day went, and how it could feel simultaneously so long and so short, when I started it at 5 AM.

A lot has been on my mind, and when I let myself dwell on each matter for too long I just feel overwhelmed and really anxious.  I read somewhere that new moms of twins are at significantly increased risk for post partum depression, and I can completely understand why.  I don't dare think about how parents of multiples more than two deal.

In addition to trying to figure out our schedules, we have had to place a new tenant in one of our units at our house in Brooklyn, and arrange for a contractor to fix the malfunctioning heater in our Chicago condo (yes, we are still self managing both of these properties, which is stressful)…

Hanging Out - A Random Compilation of Pics

The past two days have dawned gray, cool and drizzly - a perfectly gloomy day that surprisingly found me in pretty good spirits; perhaps because the rainy days have been few and far in between lately.

I've lately found a sleeptime routine that really helps me - I will get up just to pump once in the middle of the night and try to get about six or seven hours of sleep.  I also have a cup of caffe macchiato to start my day - nothing like a bright burst of caffeine to part the misty webs of sleep and get me going.  I find that this has made a big difference to my energy levels and productivity during the day, and I realized that while I have help during the night I had better take advantage of this!

Here are some pictures from the past week or so, in no particular order or priority.

We have had to get creative at home with Lola now that she doesn't have school.  Lola continues to go to the club and outdoor areas, and she is so fast and so good on her scooter now.  She misses school terribly.  I sat down to watch some online videos posted by her teachers and Lola told me forlornly, "I miss school."  School closures have been extended until mid-March and I am sure that this will be extended even further.  However, going to the airport and getting on a plane sharing recycled air with 100+ other passengers from who knows where for 10-17 hours does not seem safe, not to mention that it would mean subjecting Lola to jetlag, potentially colder weather, and taking Lola away from me, her brothers (as they don't have passports or immunizations yet), and her routine here for at least a month, which seems like it would be even more disruptive.

Here is Lola at the American Club.

She likes to play with the salt and pepper and will eat ketchup straight (I wince).  Thankfully it's only about a teaspoonful of the condiment.  She likes salt, does not like pepper (it's spicy) and loves ketchup (it's sour).  She makes the most dramatic wide eyed shuddery face when she eats ketchup - it's hilarious.  The view from the restaurant at the club is lovely - unobstructed water views of the south side of the island.  We love to sit by the windows and just have a nice conversation while we eat.  The only problem with this set up is that Lola does not eat very well - she will pick up each edamame bean or corn kernel one by one - and eat spaghetti (her favorite meal there) noodle by noodle.  As usual, I am the one wielding the camera so there are no pictures of me and Lola.  

 

 

Here she is doing a "ballet lesson" at home. 

She insisted on hiking her tutu all the way up her belly.  She still loves her ballet shoes.

And playing the piano...and making her dolls sing "Ring around the Rosy"...

 

And going on a picnic with all her friends:

This girl is so funny and full of personality - here she is "dancing" with some form of jazz hands.  Michael loves what a comically bad dancer she is.  She loves accessories - bring on the bags, hats, sunglasses and headbands!

Here we are enjoying dried blueberries after dinner one night, when we had to put together a video for a school application.  Given Covid-19, the schools cancelled all in-person assessments and asked for a 90 second video submission instead.

Lately she also comes up with all kinds of playacting scenarios that she will have me and Michael act out, at her instruction.  Her favorite scenes are where she ventures off to one of the bedrooms or the other part of the living room which can be "work," "Macau," "India" or "the deep, dark wood" (from the book The Gruffalo), depending on her mood.  She then wants me to "speak" for Elmo or Baby Shark or any of her dolls, who beg her not to leave, or throw a wailing temper tantrum crying fit at her departure - the more dramatic the better.  Then she "comes back" bearing gifts from her adventure and she wants me to, through her dolls, "welcome her home!"  I find her immeasurably spunky and adorable. 

Here are some more pictures of Lola out and about and playing:

 

 

 

 

 

I can't keep up with the boys fast enough - they are growing everyday!  

Here is Al sleeping in the babybjorn bouncer, and Teo wide awake in the mamaroo, from approximately two weeks ago.  I can't say either baby really likes the mamaroo, unfortunately.  It's a great idea in concept but in practice the boys can't be so easily fooled by a machine, no matter how many fancy movements or white noises it makes.

They look even more alike now, if you can believe it!  I think Teo's cheeks have caught up to Al's and now it's very easy to mistake them, especially if we are in a hurry or sleep deprived - both of which we usually are!  There are differences, some of which are hard to explain - but we have noticed that they have different voices, for example, and different cries.  And their behavior usually tips us off also.  I have to say, though, it's really uncanny - sometimes they will raise their left hands at the same time and in the same way.  And sometimes even if they are in separate rooms, they will cry at the same time. 

 























We had a family session one night where we all sat around and played/laughed/cried (depending on which person we're talking about).

 

 My plan for all of us to lie down in a circle and for a picture to be taken directly overhead... did not exactly work.  Lola insisted on sitting on her own chair, and the angle was too hard to take directly from above with the shadows and placement.  So here is what we ended up with, and I think I look like I have three chins.

 

 I've discovered that it is a unique kind of stress to have two little babies simultaneously crying their heads off - you only have two hands so you constantly feel like you're unable to keep up.  There have also been a few times where I am caught in the baby hot potato loop: putting one sleeping calm baby down to pick up the wailing baby, only to then have to put down the newly soothed baby to pick up the previously sleeping but now wailing baby.  This can cycle on forever.  It is almost comical except it's not.

Al, and the boys, in a calmer moment:
 

What isn't captured here is when Teo (on the right) started to cry, which then caused Al to start to cry.  Then Teo stopped crying, reached over and crammed his fist into Al's mouth, trying to comfort him.  Al then stopped crying and opened his mouth desperately trying to suckle Teo's fist.  It was so cute!

In other news, the run on toilet paper here is real.  As soon as supermarkets stock it, people run to buy it, effectively cleaning the shelves.  It's ridiculous because there is no shortage of toilet paper - but because everyone is snapping it up, it has created an artificial supply problem where you need to hoard it even if you don't believe you need to hoard it, or else you will find yourself in the unfortunate situation of having no toilet paper.  Tissues are also in danger.  We went to a store yesterday that had toilet paper but the line to buy was out the door - at least an hour wait, and they restrict each person to two packs each (about 10 rolls).  I've heard from many friends that they had to try four or five stores and still couldn't find any.

 

That's why this picture taken of me and my friends at my friend's birthday dinner is so funny - toilet paper is the best present and hottest commodity right now!  My roll from the "Who Gives a Crap" company will be treasured!