September, What a Slaughtering it Has Been

So this blog has been radio silent for a good month.  I wrote a draft post on September 24 that I never bothered to post, in part because I felt it was too mopey and whiny (still published below because, why not).  I've been going through a lot this past month. 

I can't believe we are 3 weeks into October.  I sat down to dinner this past Thursday night and was genuinely agog at the fact that we were nearing the end of another week. I am trying to coach myself to maintain perspective and not get too myopic when things are particularly stressful or hard.  It works sometimes, but not all the time, and sometimes not even really at all.  

But things are, or seem to be, getting better, and for now I have a really nice weekend and really sweet, healthy kids that are quietly napping in their beds, and that will have to suffice.

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With that optimistic title and for only my third post of this month, I hereby throw my hands up and declare defeat.  It seems fitting that the autumn equinox has come and gone.  My battered spirit, like a tired and battered bear, just wants to crawl into my den and rest.  Just in time for lockdowns for the Hong Kong third wave to ease, I feel like I have been worn down to a numb stump. 

Sometimes you ride the highs, other times you are just gritting your teeth through the lows. 

A few things have conspired this month to make me feel like the world is chewing me up and spitting me out.  Our household, what I thought was finally honed to a finely calibrated state, is yet again thrown into chaos.  Work has been a constant state of torturous anticipation.  I am terribly depressed about my stomach, when I have time to think about it (but not to do anything about it).  I rue how I've aged in the past couple of years.  My shoulders are in a constant state of tension such that it hurts to roll my neck.  I find myself questioning all of my life choices.

What has also become a huge problem for me, generally this entire year but steadily more of an issue as of late, is my complete lack of exercise.  I don't walk to work, I barely walk when I'm at work, I don't walk when I'm home, in fact I barely leave my apartment when I am home, and I do not have (or make) any time for exercise. I went to a therapy appointment and the therapist's very helpful (hundred dollars plus) advice was to "practice self care."  I barely suppressed my urge to roll my eyes and retort, "no shit lady, but when?!"