I last wrote this on Friday morning and didn't have time to post it. I can't say the situation has gotten much better as I have work to do on a Sunday (I can't even...), but here it is in its original emotional glory:
***
I don't think I've ever been so grateful for a Friday in my life - or, well, at least in a long, long time.
I see no reason to sugarcoat it - my return to work has been terrible!!!
Granted, I've only gone back two days. Granted, I don't know that many new moms who would say that their initial return to the office was a smashing and fun time. Granted, it started off really well. I was greeted by smiles and everyone in the office said hello and asked after me. Many of the secretaries felt the need to reassure me that I looked unchanged (which is not really true). I felt really special and complimented. My office (a big bright space that is really quite nice) looked just the same.
But then a lot of people asked me why I was back so soon - why didn't I take 6 months? (It's very common to do that - tack on all of your extra vacation days to the end of your leave). And I know they meant well but the terrible part of it is, by the time I started my third hour of work I too asked myself the same question. (The reason was because we were thinking of taking a trip back to the U.S. in July - but as we are already getting close to May, realistically this kind of trip just doesn't seem possible, especially as we have nothing planned yet and it is also so soon after I've just returned from leave, so I feel like I basically squandered the extra time I had). The refrain "I have made a terrible mistake" kept echoing in my head.
Just as I settled in for my first pumping session, I got a call from a partner en route to New York who was delighted that I was back and could help turn an entire agreement by Thursday/Friday evening. My heart plummeted and I tried not to panic as I frantically scribbled notes while my pump whirred away. Sitting in the freezing cold conference room half naked, surrounded by tons of litigation binders, I felt like crying. Why didn't I take my extra vacation days during the only period of time in my working life when I was guaranteed to be left alone? I can't stop beating myself up about it and it my thoughts about this have taken on a slightly obsessive spiral.
My thinking is along these lines: things with Lola have finally hit a sweet spot - unlike the first 2 months (the first month in particular) where every day felt like a daunting march of hours and tasks that I just had to get through to ensure survival - it feels like we finally have a routine (or the strong resemblance of one) and can relax a bit. And then I had to go and wreck my precious delicate balance just as the going got good. Lola is also so freaking cute right now (although I know she will be cute to me at every stage), with a new trick nearly every day.
Rationally I know that I had to go back to work and that this reckoning was going to come at some time. But emotionally I can't help but dwell on the additional time for relaxation that I could have had.
***
Back to present day: it's too late to change course and I guess the adjustment period was going to be rough no matter what. Now I just have to adjust my mental state so that I am not constantly thinking about how "I could have been napping/hanging out with Lola/playing with Lola/doing pretty much anything else right now" because that is going to drive me crazy.
***
I don't think I've ever been so grateful for a Friday in my life - or, well, at least in a long, long time.
I see no reason to sugarcoat it - my return to work has been terrible!!!
Granted, I've only gone back two days. Granted, I don't know that many new moms who would say that their initial return to the office was a smashing and fun time. Granted, it started off really well. I was greeted by smiles and everyone in the office said hello and asked after me. Many of the secretaries felt the need to reassure me that I looked unchanged (which is not really true). I felt really special and complimented. My office (a big bright space that is really quite nice) looked just the same.
But then a lot of people asked me why I was back so soon - why didn't I take 6 months? (It's very common to do that - tack on all of your extra vacation days to the end of your leave). And I know they meant well but the terrible part of it is, by the time I started my third hour of work I too asked myself the same question. (The reason was because we were thinking of taking a trip back to the U.S. in July - but as we are already getting close to May, realistically this kind of trip just doesn't seem possible, especially as we have nothing planned yet and it is also so soon after I've just returned from leave, so I feel like I basically squandered the extra time I had). The refrain "I have made a terrible mistake" kept echoing in my head.
Just as I settled in for my first pumping session, I got a call from a partner en route to New York who was delighted that I was back and could help turn an entire agreement by Thursday/Friday evening. My heart plummeted and I tried not to panic as I frantically scribbled notes while my pump whirred away. Sitting in the freezing cold conference room half naked, surrounded by tons of litigation binders, I felt like crying. Why didn't I take my extra vacation days during the only period of time in my working life when I was guaranteed to be left alone? I can't stop beating myself up about it and it my thoughts about this have taken on a slightly obsessive spiral.
My thinking is along these lines: things with Lola have finally hit a sweet spot - unlike the first 2 months (the first month in particular) where every day felt like a daunting march of hours and tasks that I just had to get through to ensure survival - it feels like we finally have a routine (or the strong resemblance of one) and can relax a bit. And then I had to go and wreck my precious delicate balance just as the going got good. Lola is also so freaking cute right now (although I know she will be cute to me at every stage), with a new trick nearly every day.
Rationally I know that I had to go back to work and that this reckoning was going to come at some time. But emotionally I can't help but dwell on the additional time for relaxation that I could have had.
***
Back to present day: it's too late to change course and I guess the adjustment period was going to be rough no matter what. Now I just have to adjust my mental state so that I am not constantly thinking about how "I could have been napping/hanging out with Lola/playing with Lola/doing pretty much anything else right now" because that is going to drive me crazy.
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