Well, tomorrow is my first day of work in 2018. My maternity leave has officially come to an end. Parts of it felt like it crawled by, and parts of it felt like it flew. Work seems like a far-away concept, and yet I can still picture everything and everyone in the office as though I had only been gone for a few weeks.
To say that I am feeling anxious would be putting it lightly. I am anxious! terrified! full of trepidation! worried! and perhaps just a little bit excited. I chose to go back mid-week in the hopes that my first "week" back, if only 3 days long, would make it all more manageable.
On the one hand, it will be nice to have a new routine, get out of the apartment more consistently, interact with other adults, wear nice clothes, and use my brain. On the other hand, the amount of things that will require my time and attention seem intimidating. When work is "on," with a deal or (heavens above, multiple deals) it requires concentration and a kind of single-minded focus that can't be shut off or set aside. I'm not sure how that's going to work with my giving Lola the attention and care that I want.
Pumping at work is also giving me a considerable amount of anxiety. I had briefly toyed with the idea of reducing my pumps this month and weaning Lola off of breast milk because the thought of juggling pumping with work was so intimidating. But she loves breastmilk so much, and I found myself reluctant to prematurely wean, so here we are. The plan now is for me to try to keep going as long as I can, and if my supply tanks then at least I'll know I've done the best that I can, for as long as I could.
That's all easier said than done, because I keep thinking about how long my supply will be able to keep up (and thereby further stressing myself out and probably negatively affecting my supply prematurely). The logistics are a bit daunting, too - trying to schedule conference calls and meetings around pump sessions requires foresight that I'm not sure my work schedule allows. My office is also full, floor to ceiling glass - essentially a fishbowl - so I have to cart my pump and accessories to and from a separate room each time...
My brain is a hamster on a wheel running through the same "what if" and worst case scenarios. Most people I've talked to say that once you go back, it is not as bad as you feared, and that it is manageable. I'm sure it will be fine, I will get through it, but right now the not knowing seems worse than the actual thing!
To say that I am feeling anxious would be putting it lightly. I am anxious! terrified! full of trepidation! worried! and perhaps just a little bit excited. I chose to go back mid-week in the hopes that my first "week" back, if only 3 days long, would make it all more manageable.
On the one hand, it will be nice to have a new routine, get out of the apartment more consistently, interact with other adults, wear nice clothes, and use my brain. On the other hand, the amount of things that will require my time and attention seem intimidating. When work is "on," with a deal or (heavens above, multiple deals) it requires concentration and a kind of single-minded focus that can't be shut off or set aside. I'm not sure how that's going to work with my giving Lola the attention and care that I want.
Pumping at work is also giving me a considerable amount of anxiety. I had briefly toyed with the idea of reducing my pumps this month and weaning Lola off of breast milk because the thought of juggling pumping with work was so intimidating. But she loves breastmilk so much, and I found myself reluctant to prematurely wean, so here we are. The plan now is for me to try to keep going as long as I can, and if my supply tanks then at least I'll know I've done the best that I can, for as long as I could.
That's all easier said than done, because I keep thinking about how long my supply will be able to keep up (and thereby further stressing myself out and probably negatively affecting my supply prematurely). The logistics are a bit daunting, too - trying to schedule conference calls and meetings around pump sessions requires foresight that I'm not sure my work schedule allows. My office is also full, floor to ceiling glass - essentially a fishbowl - so I have to cart my pump and accessories to and from a separate room each time...
My brain is a hamster on a wheel running through the same "what if" and worst case scenarios. Most people I've talked to say that once you go back, it is not as bad as you feared, and that it is manageable. I'm sure it will be fine, I will get through it, but right now the not knowing seems worse than the actual thing!
Just wanted to de-lurk and say good luck! The anticipation is definitely the worst part of going back.
ReplyDeleteThat's great that you are going to give pumping a shot. I pumped at work until my daughter was a year old. I just blocked out the standing times on my calendar and it wasn't a big deal but I also know I was lucky to have a supportive boss and department (corporate job, not a lawyer).
Not knowing the culture of your firm from the outside, are there any other attorneys there who are currently or recently have been pumping whose brains you can pick for advice? Otherwise, I would just be matter-of-fact and non-apologetic about about any scheduling complications that come up due to pumping. While it was a hassle, I also somewhat looked forward to my pumping sessions as a forced break or at least change of scene!
thank you for delurking and for your words of encouragement! I happened to return on the same day as another lawyer who had just had her second baby, and just being able to speak to her for a few minutes made me feel so much better!
DeleteGood luck to you! During a secondment, I shared an office with another attorney who was pumping. When it was time for her to pump, I gathered up my work and sat outside of our office taking care to make sure no one barged in (no locks on the doors). She was able to make it work. Hope you are able to do the same for as long as you want to.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouragement!! And, what a good officemate you are. I'm considering putting up a screen in front of my glass window/door - Michael is convinced he can help me find one that will work. I'll keep you updated on the blog!
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