Here is another outdated post begun in the second half of May, when I spent a lot of time thinking about discipline, what it actually is, how to be more consistent about it, and how to get better at it. I attended two workshops at Highgate, read a few parenting articles and half of a book (gotta be honest, didn't really get through it all...).
The workshop was helpful because it was so cathartic to hear about other kids's behaviors and the frustrations and fears that parents felt about educating their children. And while it was stressful to have to block out an hour and a half to sit around talking about it, I really enjoyed the ritual of sitting with a cup of tea and chatting and sharing our thoughts, concerns and experiences.
Parenthood - it takes a village and sometimes it is so lonely, especially during Covid, especially as expats with no family nearby, when you just want a safe space to commiserate with each other! It makes you realize how nervewracking and hard this is - everyone (or nearly everyone) wants to get it right and it's so easy to mess up or feel like you are messing it all up.
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Disciplining, or even just managing and/or coping with Lola's meltdowns, has been a pretty difficult thing for me for the past year, year and a half. It often leads to fighting or disagreement between me and Michael as well, as we differ in our approach. For me the hardest thing is to say no, and to be consistent, while still maintaining boundaries. I am shockingly unable to do this and I suspect it ties in to my overall inability to stand my ground or be firm in many situations in life. It turns out my desire to please doesn't stop even when it comes to my kids, even when I know that I should be the one to toe the line and be in control. It doesn't help that my daughter is also a spirited maddening darling evil genius who can effortlessly bring me to my knees growling in frustration.
But one of the things that has been helpful for me is the realization (or the "spin," if you want to be cynical about it) that discipline is ultimately about teaching. It's a chance, an opportunity (albeit not exactly fun) to teach these little beings, who have such strong feelings and distinct personalities, how to cope and deal with their emotions and their anxieties and frustrations. It's stuff that adults still have trouble with, so it's not exactly surprising that kids struggle. It's a really important opportunity for these little ones to learn coping, living, life skills that will be essential to them... forever.
It is so hard, because as soon as Lola goes into screaming meltdown mode, I feel as if my circuits are overloading and frying on all accounts. I just want it to end. I am no good at stewing or sitting in discomfort, and it's been eye opening and disheartening to see how little patience or tolerance I have for screaming, piercing cries or shrieking. The decibel and pitch and volume and... everything about her screams seems designed to make me crack and crumble.
I really am trying my best, and the books and the workshops I've attended have all cajoled parents not to berate themselves too much. I have been reading No Drama Discipline which I find eye opening in so many ways. Not only does it explain the purpose of discipline and suggest more productive ways to handle and help our children navigate their moments of utmost distress, but the most enlightening and uncomfortable thing has been to show me all of the gaps in my own ability to cope or deal with big emotions, frustrations, anger and sadness. It's quite painful, but it makes me want to learn so that I can put words to those emotions and visceral reactions, and stop them from making me feel defeated and utterly spent after a round of negotiations with my too-smart and too-determined threenager.
I didn't grow up with much concept of self-care or therapy, so the thought of having time or space to process, or being in a grounded, centered, calming place so I can be a source of grounding, centering and calming for others, still sounds vaguely hippie-ish and woo woo. But it's no surprise to anyone that this past year and a half has been challenging - for all of us. All of this points to burnout and I'm sure Michael and I are suffering through it. We haven't had a vacation in nearly two years and Hong Kong is a tiny place with no outlet. All of this is to say I'm finally realizing that all of this background and chaos is also shaping who Michael and I are as parents, and how we parent and teach our children. It's hard to be the eye of the hurricane, or the safe harbor in the storm, for our kids when we are tired or spent or don't have time.
While none of this realization actually helps me miraculously deal better with my child, putting a label on all of this, or having a mental bucket into which I can toss this load, does make me feel better in so many ways. My workshop at Highgate also helped me reframe what I hope to achieve and teach with managing and disciplining. When reframed as a situation where our children are scared, confused, overwhelmed and/or frustrated, it helps us rethink our roles and reactions as parents - from one of exasperation, frustration and suspicion or anger, to one of care, concern, sensitivity and attentiveness.
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All of that was written before I got hit by a truckload of work and kind of lost the thread for a while. But I wanted to jot down the notes from the discipline workshop because it really helped me. I left feeling like it was amazing and my soul felt restored - I then described some of it to Michael and he looked at me askance because it sounded like they didn't give me any real answers or keys - but then a month later as Lola continues to act out and scream or throw tantrums from time to time, I have the benefit of hindsight to decide that it was helpful. It gave me a lens through which to view all of it and, while I do not manage to achieve the patient, loving, understanding, patient(!) kind, gentle, patient (!!) mother I long to be, and I still need to work out so many ways to be creative and connect, I do come at Lola from a different perspective and I think that has made a big difference.
First - we are all human, and our reaction to our children so much depends on the mood and place we are in at the moment. I was presented with a quotation that really resonated with me - "How I respond to my child often has more to do with how I'm feeling than with what my child is doing." And I now often take a step back and put myself into time out (I love this idea) with big deep breaths before I speak out of anger or frustration or sheer helplessness.
Here are the points I scrawled down from the workshop, for future reference.
From a scientific point of view, our babies are still developing their big brains. There is the (1) lizard/reptilian brain, which address basic survival skills like hunger, temperature, digestion and circulation. And we can't even take this for granted because babies cannot regulate their hunger (we have to wake them up in the middle of the night if they do not eat), their temperature or circulation (hats/gloves/socks/swaddles), digestion (hello, feedings and constant diapers), much less the (2) mammmalian brain, which addresses the social/emotional skills such as rage, separation distress, fear and social bonding, which are all huge feelings that our toddlers' little bodies and brains literally are only beginning to grow the neurons and synapses to handle, much less the (3) human brain, which address the areas of problem solving, reasoning, reflection, empathy and self awareness. This last bit starts to kick in when kids reach 7-8 years old, so they are physically incapable of doing any of these things in the human brain until they are 2.5 or 3.
Two and three year old kids expect you to understand what they know, and understand what they understand. They are very egocentric, but they learn through watching and copying our behavior. Therefore, discipline should be about the child's needs rather than responding to the adult's feelings. So often our reactions to our children when they are throwing a temper tantrum is because we are humiliated or embarrassed (we are in public and our children are rolling on the floor shrieking like a banshee while we are sweating and desperately need to pee while juggling three bags and missing a phone call), etc. rather than taking the time to address what s/he needs in that moment (comfort because they thought they would get pizza instead of broccoli, or understanding because they feel misunderstood, or scared because they don't want mom to leave).
We learned the acronym "CRUCIAL", which stands for:
Control, Rhythm, Understanding, Collect/Connect/Communicate, Individual, Avoidance and Love
Control is a huge thing for Lola. So many of her tantrums or fits come when she wants something exactly the way she wants it and it didn't happen exactly that way. She wants to be a grownup with autonomy. But she's actually looking for us, as adults, to be in control, to give guidance, to right and keep her wheels on track whenever they wobble. I was making the mistake of letting her choose and change at whim. I thought I was being accommodating because I wanted to give her autonomy and independence. But I think that actually led to her feeling a lot of instability and frisson. She wants someone to eliminate the confusion and the frustration - I now try to think like I am a weighted blanket wrapped around her in a time of need. "I am someone wiser, bigger, older, taking care of you, and you are safe in my capable and firm and gentle and loving hands." I now also try very hard (can't say I always succeed) to no longer ask Lola fully open-ended questions and I no longer ask her a question if it's something I want her to do. I am horrified by how confusing my directions are when I say in that (patently fake and awful questioning) voice (that lies dormant all their lives but then all parents somehow discover) "Lola, do you want to take a nap now?" or "Lola, is it time to go home?" when it should just be "Lola, it's time to nap." or "It's time to go home." And I am horrified by how often I tack on an "okay?" onto the end of my instructions or admonitions, which takes away all semblance of authority and control. Ugh, why do I do that?!
Rhythm was one I understood early on and with three little kids we got right away, in huge part thanks to our confinement nannies and to my gentle drill sergeant of a helper, Auntie Lyn. Don't get in her way of a schedule, is all I'm saying. It makes all the difference for little kids to understand the flow or rhythm of their day. I see the benefit of this directly with the kids when, at playgroup or at school, they know exactly what happens next. They have built in "pause points", it minimizes verbal interactions and routine is calming and creates certainty for the child. The beauty of it is that with the ability to anticipate, they can take greater control of their lives and be the autonomous or independent being that they crave to be (see point above). However, the key point here is sequence, and not necessarily about the actual time on the clock.
Understanding is taking the time to figure out, "what is really happening now"? Often children are "pinging" or sending distress signals well before the signal 10 typhoon. Pick up on those whispers and hints before it turns into outburst, so as to steer them through it, rather than pouring kerosene on or lighting the match to the fire. All bad behavior stems from something - what is the source? Hint: it is very rarely the socks/comb/backpack/the last trigger item. "If you listen to them whisper, you don't have to hear them shout."
Collect, Connect, Communicate. This one is very closely related to the former, because it's not enough just to understand the situation (or try to).
Collect. This is where the idea of putting yourself into "time out" came up, and I love it. The instructor asked us to picture ourselves as the lifeboat for the child in a rocky and uneven storm. Take the ten seconds to deep breathe and ask yourself, "what am I bringing to the situation?" If we storm into the fray with nothing but our impatience and threadbare understanding or our heavy assumptions, then we are not doing anything to help the situation. We are not rescuing but just adding to the ten car pileup. You have to collect yourself. If you're not calm, they're not calm. If you say we need to go, but you don't go, they're not going to go. Though at the same time, I appreciated the suggestion that it's okay to be upset or angry. It's not like we have to be completely sanitized and not have emotions. If the kid did something really bad or unacceptable, it's okay for them to see that this is the kind of response you get to that kind of behavior.
Connect. You need to be connected with the child so as to get them out of their emotional and frantic state, so that they are actually in a place to hear you. I've found this often takes touch - a hug, holding, cuddling, smoothing back of hair, gentle humming or patting, while they calm down. (I read that it also helps to physically lower yourself to their level (usually the floor) instead of towering over them glowering - though I have not actually found being prone on the floor to be of much help.)
Communicate. Only once you are calm, and they are connected, and they are able to breathe/sleep/hear, does it work to communicate (and not necessarily by lecturing, which parents probably do too much of in the moment, but rather by physically carrying them out of the fray if needed). I loved the example here - how different is it to say "can you come out of the bath yourself, do you need my help? Because I can see you're not capable of doing this by yourself right now and I will help you to do it until you are ready," versus "come out of the bath right now, or I will get you out". Very different sentiment, very different attitude, very different message, right?
Individual means recognizing who they are, and allowing them to be authentic. Parent the child in front of you. Don't project your needs on to them, don't try to put them into rigid boxes or bound them. Figure out what actually matters to you and pick your battles. Give the child space. Don't define them by their past or who you know them to be - they may change. Today may be the day they surprise you! Say "she doesn't eat vegetables... yet."
Avoidance is when you try to ignore the bigger issue (they are hungry but rather than make them eat their lunch you give them a tasty, sweet snack to avoid the fight) by allowing the kids to "break" the rules for this exception or "tiny little infraction," just the once. Avoidance is not being scared to tackle it head on with the proper voice. Through a series of barely connected but totally intertwined concepts and coincidences (you get the idea), there is something I am very guilty of, especially when I am busy and wanting the cheap and easy fix (ahhh). Avoid the trigger situation when the child is overhungry, too hot, overtired! Head those easy ones off at the pass.
Love. Finally, this one is pretty easy - shower them with unconditional love. When in doubt, "love bomb" them over an appropriate period of time. I had been love bombing Lola before I realized this was a strategy or a thing - basically, we set aside a sacred time that is just the two of us and I just shower her endlessly with love and attention, with no one else there. I love the idea and even if it doesn't bring me any results on the discipline front, I love the idea of giving my children my undivided attention. I read previously that distracted time with our kids is nowhere near as good as potent, uninterrupted, attentive and direct time spent with our kids. However, I'm not sure about the efficacy of this because if anything, this has made Lola crave me more! I need to figure out a way to love bomb my twin boys. A necklace time turner, mayhaps...?
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