This Year to Date

I think I am not alone in saying that this year has been a doozy.  I personally have found it to be so much harder than I ever expected.  I hope I will look back on this time of my life and remember all of the joy and happiness of my children and working in my pajamas and being so grateful that I live in a comfortable apartment that I really love - but really, this year has just been shocking.  It's Covid-19 and all the anxieties and horrors and unknowns that a global pandemic brings, but it's also just the sheer shock factor of having twins and a toddler and trying to work full time and having a partner who works a very demanding full time job also. 

I went back on this blog today in a fit of nostalgia and procrastination and read posts from July and August 2017 - exactly three years ago, when Lola was still in my belly, before I had had any babies, before my body fell apart, when I had all the time in the world (kind of) to wallow in my selfish delights.  I cannot believe how much our lives have transformed since then.

It feels like a faint wisp of a memory - having free time to blog, do yoga, watch TV, read novels, sleep in, go on date nights... not to mention in a pre-Covid world where we could and did travel liberally and ravenously.  Three years ago, Michael and I enjoyed an amazing work holiday in London at the Corinthia.  I had almost 2 weeks by myself in Hong Kong because Michael left for New York earlier than me and...I had SO much time just relaxing on the couch in the Outer Banks, soaking in the peace and quiet and complaining about being bored.  

 

Yes, dear readers, I was bored and lonely because it was so quiet!  Now we have 3 babies and helpers and a driver and no alone time, ever.  We take walks after 11 pm at night because that's the only down time we have, and that's not even always.  I often have to remind myself to comb my hair and wash my face.  Our fifth wedding anniversary is coming up in two days and we can't really even go anywhere to celebrate it.  Just over six years ago (eek, actually that sounds like a really long time ago) we flew to Taiwan and then again to Hualien for our engagement.  

 

The change is enough to give one whiplash, which maybe I have.

 

I savor my memories of going on safari in South Africa, relaxing in a pool villa in Thailand, sleeping in the desert in Qatar and exploring Yala National Park in Sri Lanka, and feel like these experiences happened to a different person.

Before this recent wave of infections, I told my friend that a large part of my recovery this year has been trying to come to terms with all the big changes that have taken place in such a short time. The biggest one has been physical.  I am really struggling with my post-partum diastasis recti issues.  I cannot seem to bring myself to work on my physical therapy exercises.  I find it very hard to find the motivation to work on these exercises when I feel like it's not making an iota of difference.  I cannot stomach the thought of having to go through surgery to fix this issue (pun!!).  Yet at the same time I don't want to exercise for fear of making things worse.  It's not good and I know it's not good yet day after day I find myself at 10 pm at night coming to terms with the fact that yet again I have not done what I was supposed to do.

All of the stop and go resulting from Covid-19 has not helped matters.  What is the world going to look and feel like when we can finally emerge?  

 

In some ways I am really grateful for all the extra time that I have at home now that we are in a period of indefinite suspension.  It's probably not good for my overall mental and physical health, but it sure saves a lot of time when you can roll from bed to office (aka dining table) in a few short steps and without changing your clothes.  It looks like we are working from home for at least another couple of months or so here, if not more...