I haven't posted on the blog at all this week, and it's partly because I've been working at all hours, and partly because I've been too tired to post. I thought I was going to return to Hong Kong on Tuesday night, but here we are at nearly midnight on Friday and I've spent another week here, living out of my suitcase, barely sleeping in my hotel room, and just generally losing my days and weeks working on this huge deal. Living the dream, folks.
Today, I started counting how many days of Lola's life I've missed already due to work travel. It was a terrible idea, and I got really depressed when that number shot up over 20 so quickly. She's not even 11 months old. Michael has been trying to tell me to stay strong, encouraging me to be professional and stoic, but I would like to point out how hard all of this is. He missed her so badly after being in the U.S. for a week without her. Now imagine doing that four or five times in succession.
Maybe we should have just moved the whole family down here for a month and lived out of a nice house...but I didn't want to muck up Lola's routine. Plus, we have so much help in Hong Kong, and my parents had just come to visit - whereas here, neither Michael nor I would have any time to take care of Lola, and we would have had to hire a full time nanny who does not know Lola's routine... it seemed like madness to coordinate.
Everyone at home has been telling me that Lola misses me a lot, but that doesn't really help me feel better because I hate to think of her sad or lonely. I've been trying to avoid video chatting because it's really hard for me not to lose it entirely when I see her (case in point, today at lunch, sitting on a bench shouting loudly over construction noise, oblivious to the business crowd streaming by while tears stream down my cheeks). I also think she gets a bit frantic and upset when she can see me and hear me but can't hold or touch me.
The days have also been so packed that it's hard to find time, even to observe her. I mostly end up only catching glimpses of her sleeping with her soft cuddlies and bunnies late at night. I do take comfort in the fact that she is surrounded with love, from Michael, my parents who have been visiting, and our helper and nanny.
I also think about what it means to Lola to have a mother who is a professional in the workforce. What kind of example am I upholding, what does it say to her about women, and will any of it really matter?
I don't think I would have made it this far in private practice, especially in m&a, if I had had a baby earlier. There are undoubtedly a lot of perks of my job, and I derive a lot of pride from what I've achieved in the past ten years, but, ugh. It breaks my heart to see how much Lola wants to cuddle with me when I'm finally home, and I worry when I'm away that she thinks I've abandoned her. At this point Lola is still young and I can take comfort in the fact that she won't remember any of this. But when she's older? All questions that swirl around in my head without a good resolution.
For now, I can only get through this crazy month by gritting my teeth, putting one foot in front of the other, and trying to shut everything else out. It's kind of like hibernation, except I'm hibernating in work, so I guess it's actually nothing like hibernation. And on that logic, maybe I should get some much needed sleep.
Today, I started counting how many days of Lola's life I've missed already due to work travel. It was a terrible idea, and I got really depressed when that number shot up over 20 so quickly. She's not even 11 months old. Michael has been trying to tell me to stay strong, encouraging me to be professional and stoic, but I would like to point out how hard all of this is. He missed her so badly after being in the U.S. for a week without her. Now imagine doing that four or five times in succession.
Maybe we should have just moved the whole family down here for a month and lived out of a nice house...but I didn't want to muck up Lola's routine. Plus, we have so much help in Hong Kong, and my parents had just come to visit - whereas here, neither Michael nor I would have any time to take care of Lola, and we would have had to hire a full time nanny who does not know Lola's routine... it seemed like madness to coordinate.
Everyone at home has been telling me that Lola misses me a lot, but that doesn't really help me feel better because I hate to think of her sad or lonely. I've been trying to avoid video chatting because it's really hard for me not to lose it entirely when I see her (case in point, today at lunch, sitting on a bench shouting loudly over construction noise, oblivious to the business crowd streaming by while tears stream down my cheeks). I also think she gets a bit frantic and upset when she can see me and hear me but can't hold or touch me.
The days have also been so packed that it's hard to find time, even to observe her. I mostly end up only catching glimpses of her sleeping with her soft cuddlies and bunnies late at night. I do take comfort in the fact that she is surrounded with love, from Michael, my parents who have been visiting, and our helper and nanny.
I also think about what it means to Lola to have a mother who is a professional in the workforce. What kind of example am I upholding, what does it say to her about women, and will any of it really matter?
I don't think I would have made it this far in private practice, especially in m&a, if I had had a baby earlier. There are undoubtedly a lot of perks of my job, and I derive a lot of pride from what I've achieved in the past ten years, but, ugh. It breaks my heart to see how much Lola wants to cuddle with me when I'm finally home, and I worry when I'm away that she thinks I've abandoned her. At this point Lola is still young and I can take comfort in the fact that she won't remember any of this. But when she's older? All questions that swirl around in my head without a good resolution.
For now, I can only get through this crazy month by gritting my teeth, putting one foot in front of the other, and trying to shut everything else out. It's kind of like hibernation, except I'm hibernating in work, so I guess it's actually nothing like hibernation. And on that logic, maybe I should get some much needed sleep.
Oh friend. I am just catching up on blogs and had to make a quick comment here before heading to bed. It's hard. It's so hard to work a lot and miss your babies. BUT, what babies know is love and security and routine. What they remember, in their core subconscious memories is that love and security and routine. When you are able to come home to sweet Lola she will be so happy, and when you cannot, she is fine (and it's so true that honestly, oftentimes phone calls or video makes it worse when you're away; they're like goldfish and can be happy without you but sad when faced with a version of you they can't touch). You are missing her and it sucks. It sucks a lot. But I am so SO glad that I worked those hours when Landon and Claire were younger and they have no memory of it (none! We moved to FW when Landon was 4.5 and he was horrified when a year later I had to miss a family dinner for work- something I used to do routinely!). So while I missed things, and that sucks, what they know- and what I see in them as they grow older and more into themselves- is how very grounded in that love, security, and routine we gave them when they were younger. Even if I was often away while "we" were providing it.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if that makes sense or is helpful, but in short- do what you need to do, get done what you need to get done, snuggle your baby when you can, and know that she is not just fine but THRIVING while you are doing the first two.
xoxo, R